[kj] A Statement

[Lennonka]

Dear sisters and brothers,

I have a statement to make that you may not like, but the truth must be
told.
It's not an easy thing to tell, but I'm doing my best to approach your
circle with trust.
So, before you judge me, try to listen to the whole story. And please, do
make an effort to not make any assumptions, and ask questions if you want
clarifications.

When I met Jaz in 2006, I was a 22 year old girl. Very clever, maybe even a
bit wiser than my peers, but immature. I was hoping to find a friend in
him, because he seemed to feel as lonely as I felt. And of course I fell in
love with him. You know what he was like back then. And I was a mess. I
basically felt the way he looked! Because the "partners" we choose are a
mere reflection of ourselves.

Then I was trying to approach him again to tell him in person how I felt
about him. But the situation wasn't friendly towards that effort. And I was
in a very stressful life situation and I got depressed very deeply and I
attempted a suicide in June 2007.

Obviously and fortunately, despite determination, I failed.

I was getting better quickly, but I was still in a very bad place, both
circumstance and mental-wise. I blamed him for ruining my life. But not
just mine. I was observing that a fellow sister was getting harsh treatment
from another band member. I was super angry that people can tremple other
people and get away with it, because everyone was scared of them. And I
wanted to diminish the value of my relation with Jaz and I decided to use
Paul Raven, who has expressed sexual interest in me earlier that year. And
I intended to sleep with him as an act of vengeance for the victims of the
abuse of privilege that certain people were given to serve humanity.

The little girl who wanted to play God.

Raven must have known what had been happening, yet he still was able to
show me unconditional love. Given what happened then, I'm moved beyond
words by his courage and his big heart. I did have a crush on him. But as I
was getting less angry, I started wishing hard that I didn't have to go
through with this intent, because I was still in love with Jaz. I don't
know what exactly happened to him and what exactly my role in this was. But
I've matured enough to feel partially accountable to say the least.

I've been learning a really harsh lesson about vengeance over the last 15
years. And also that justice is often mistaken with vengeance. So when we
call for justice, we must be really careful what we are actually calling
for.

I want to say that I am sorry.

There's more that I want to tell, but everything else is a child play
comparing to this part of the story.

Well, you're the tribunal.

Do judge if you Will. Your choice.
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