[kj] Widow of Murdered Fly Seeks White House Apology (Dodgy grammar)

[Stephen Lawrence]

don't know where you got that jo but thanks 

it is very funny 
 

> From: jo at arcadia.karoo.co.uk

> To: gathering at misera.net

> Date: Thu, 2 Jul 2009 22:44:02 +0100

> Subject: [kj] Widow of Murdered Fly Seeks White House Apology (Dodgy grammar)

> 

> 

> >

> > Widow of Murdered Fly Seeks White House Apology

> >

> > Grieving widow

> > Grieving widow faces uphill legal

> > Battle against President

> >

> > WASHINGTON -- The widow of the housefly murdered by Barack Obama

> > During a recent CNBC television interview announced this morning

> > That she would be filing a wrongful death suit against the

> > President in federal district court. The plaintiff brief -- citing

> > Pain, suffering and loss of income -- seeks a formal apology and

> > Compensatory damages, including an unspecified quantity of manure.

> >

> > "Bob was a wonderful husband and provider," said the widow, Mrs.

> > Vivian Vvzzvzwwzzz, wiping tears from her compound eyes. "Even

> > Though he was always busy at the Rose Garden turd pile, he always

> > Flew home in time to tuck in our maggots."

> > The 17-day old widow said the grieving process since the murder has

> > Taken its toll.

> > "Although it's been nearly 48 hours, I still get an empty feeling

> > In my thorax everytime I think about it," she said. "I feel like

> > I've aged an entire week. Mating season is over, and here I am,

> > Stuck trying to raise 532 larvae on my own."

> >

> > Vvzzvzwwzzz described the "abdomen-wrenching horror" she

> > Experienced while watching the President casually assassinate her

> > Husband during the live broadcast.

> >

> > "It was just before supper time and I was predigesting the evening

> > Shit for the kids," she recalled. "When I looked up at the TV I saw Bob

> > there, and of course I was pretty excited. He started waving at

> > Me, and then, all of a sudden, SLAP! My whole world, my life, layed

> > Smashed across the back of Obama's left hand. And with 360 degree

> > Peripheral vision and hundreds of eye facets, it was impossible to

> > Look away."

> >

> > Ever since the incident, Mrs. Vvzzvzwwzzz said she had been trying

> > To piece her life back together.

> >

> > "I just get paralyzed wondering how I'm going to raise my larvae

> > For the next six days, alone, without any kind of support," she

> > Said. "Most days I just end up on the ceiling, numb

> > And crying, eating a rancid bowl of Ben & Jerry's."

> >

> > Breaking down, an emotionally distraught Vvzzvzwwzzz was comforted

> > By PETA President Ingrid Newkirk and ACLU President Nadine

> > Strossen. The two groups announced they will file an amicus brief

> > In the case and file a separate class action suit against the

> > Insecticide, flyswatter and pest strip industries, seeking over 1

> > Million metric tons of compensatory manure on behalf of 200 billion

> > Fly-Americans.

> >

> > "The President's treatment of the Fly community has been extremely

> > Disappointing, " said Newkirk. "He almost seemed to relish his

> > Bloodthirsty attack on Mr. Vvzzvzwwzzz. It's obvious he's in the

> > Pocket of Big Manure."

> > University of Tennessee law professor Glenn Reynolds said

> > Vvzzvzwwzzz v. Obama is likely to raise several thorny

> > Constitutional issues.

> > "The courts have a lot of questions to sort out here," he said.

> > "For example, can a sitting president be forced to testify in a

> > Civil suit? Can he give himself immunity? How does this effect the

> > Rights of cooties and crab lice? Also, just how completely insane is 

> > PETA?"

> >

> > Despite the prospect of facing a challenge from the President's

> > Formidable legal team, Vvzzvzwwzzz said she was prepared to pursuit

> > It all the way to the Supreme Court.

> >

> > "If Mr. Obama thinks he can shoo me away with his legal briefs and

> > His rolled-up New York Times, then he is sadly mistaken," said an

> > Angry Vvzzvzwwzzz. "He has no idea how persistent and annoying I

> > Can be. I'm in this for the long haul. All the way till July, if

> > I'm still alive."

> >

> > Reynolds cautioned that no matter how determined the plaintiff,

> > Such a prolonged legal battle against the President could prove

> > Prohibitively expensive.

> > "Mrs. Vvzzvzwwzzz is likely to end up spending millions in legal

> > Fees, with an unknown probability of success. Even if she prevails,

> > The ACLU and PETA lawyers will eat 40% of her settlement in

> > Contingency fees," he said.

> >

> > Vvzzvzwwzz said she would be establishing a legal fund to help

> > Defray the cost of the suit, and appealed to the public for

> > Contributions.

> > "PETA has been very generous in relocating my family to a welcoming

> > New neighborhood filled with filthy, stoned, slow-reflexed vegans,

> > But we still need money for court costs," she said. "Help meee-eee!

> > Help meee-ee-eee- eee!"

> 

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