[kj] Widow of Murdered Fly Seeks White House Apology (Dodgy grammar)

[jo]

>

> Widow of Murdered Fly Seeks White House Apology

>

> Grieving widow

> Grieving widow faces uphill legal

> Battle against President

>

> WASHINGTON -- The widow of the housefly murdered by Barack Obama

> During a recent CNBC television interview announced this morning

> That she would be filing a wrongful death suit against the

> President in federal district court. The plaintiff brief -- citing

> Pain, suffering and loss of income -- seeks a formal apology and

> Compensatory damages, including an unspecified quantity of manure.

>

> "Bob was a wonderful husband and provider," said the widow, Mrs.

> Vivian Vvzzvzwwzzz, wiping tears from her compound eyes. "Even

> Though he was always busy at the Rose Garden turd pile, he always

> Flew home in time to tuck in our maggots."

> The 17-day old widow said the grieving process since the murder has

> Taken its toll.

> "Although it's been nearly 48 hours, I still get an empty feeling

> In my thorax everytime I think about it," she said. "I feel like

> I've aged an entire week. Mating season is over, and here I am,

> Stuck trying to raise 532 larvae on my own."

>

> Vvzzvzwwzzz described the "abdomen-wrenching horror" she

> Experienced while watching the President casually assassinate her

> Husband during the live broadcast.

>

> "It was just before supper time and I was predigesting the evening

> Shit for the kids," she recalled. "When I looked up at the TV I saw Bob

> there, and of course I was pretty excited. He started waving at

> Me, and then, all of a sudden, SLAP! My whole world, my life, layed

> Smashed across the back of Obama's left hand. And with 360 degree

> Peripheral vision and hundreds of eye facets, it was impossible to

> Look away."

>

> Ever since the incident, Mrs. Vvzzvzwwzzz said she had been trying

> To piece her life back together.

>

> "I just get paralyzed wondering how I'm going to raise my larvae

> For the next six days, alone, without any kind of support," she

> Said. "Most days I just end up on the ceiling, numb

> And crying, eating a rancid bowl of Ben & Jerry's."

>

> Breaking down, an emotionally distraught Vvzzvzwwzzz was comforted

> By PETA President Ingrid Newkirk and ACLU President Nadine

> Strossen. The two groups announced they will file an amicus brief

> In the case and file a separate class action suit against the

> Insecticide, flyswatter and pest strip industries, seeking over 1

> Million metric tons of compensatory manure on behalf of 200 billion

> Fly-Americans.

>

> "The President's treatment of the Fly community has been extremely

> Disappointing, " said Newkirk. "He almost seemed to relish his

> Bloodthirsty attack on Mr. Vvzzvzwwzzz. It's obvious he's in the

> Pocket of Big Manure."

> University of Tennessee law professor Glenn Reynolds said

> Vvzzvzwwzzz v. Obama is likely to raise several thorny

> Constitutional issues.

> "The courts have a lot of questions to sort out here," he said.

> "For example, can a sitting president be forced to testify in a

> Civil suit? Can he give himself immunity? How does this effect the

> Rights of cooties and crab lice? Also, just how completely insane is 

> PETA?"

>

> Despite the prospect of facing a challenge from the President's

> Formidable legal team, Vvzzvzwwzzz said she was prepared to pursuit

> It all the way to the Supreme Court.

>

> "If Mr. Obama thinks he can shoo me away with his legal briefs and

> His rolled-up New York Times, then he is sadly mistaken," said an

> Angry Vvzzvzwwzzz. "He has no idea how persistent and annoying I

> Can be. I'm in this for the long haul. All the way till July, if

> I'm still alive."

>

> Reynolds cautioned that no matter how determined the plaintiff,

> Such a prolonged legal battle against the President could prove

> Prohibitively expensive.

> "Mrs. Vvzzvzwwzzz is likely to end up spending millions in legal

> Fees, with an unknown probability of success. Even if she prevails,

> The ACLU and PETA lawyers will eat 40% of her settlement in

> Contingency fees," he said.

>

> Vvzzvzwwzz said she would be establishing a legal fund to help

> Defray the cost of the suit, and appealed to the public for

> Contributions.

> "PETA has been very generous in relocating my family to a welcoming

> New neighborhood filled with filthy, stoned, slow-reflexed vegans,

> But we still need money for court costs," she said. "Help meee-eee!

> Help meee-ee-eee- eee!"