[kj] i think im gonna give up my chance to see kj in la :[

[cliffmonka at alaska.net]

Hiya Damon, Hope things work out for ya



> ugh...

>

> my gf bought our "band" APOTHEOSIZOR 3 la tix a few weeks ago without asking

> me first as i was planning on finally meeting cliffmonk at  NYC gigs since

> im east coast virginia since 1973 basically(born 1969). but my girl lives in

> seattle and shes the big head nurse for me,the dumb doctor of rock,and all

> of a sudden i found myself worrying terribly a few days ago and yesterday

> was the final straw.

> i just cant deal with it all...

>

> never seen kj before,been looking forward to it for quite a many moon/season

> of course but i know it would end up badly for me seeing as i wouldnt be

> able to smoke at the gig and would probably end up outside 3/4 of the time

> stressed out like i always do here at certain times...

> and without raven i would probably come unglued i imagine in seattle again

> and end up in a bad way...

>

> i think i may be ending it with my loyal mate too after a few years of

> dreaming of the possibilities...

>

> its all a dream in my head that is never going to come true.

>

> i am fucked.

>

> gotta go back to work as a carpenter or some nonsense after 9 years off on

> disablity...

>

> im sick of living life behind a keyboard or webcam or cell phone....

>

> i want to make my soundmagick with someone who cares about it,the green

> it,me....

>

> seeing kj live with my girl in la/raven town then having to come back here

> alone again for another year or two is something i jsut dont think i can do.

>

> probably going to be the last thing kj ever do i imagine maybe,dunno

>

> have fun all you lucky sods who got the balls to show up live.

>

> im still in tears daily over raven....

>

> useless i am.utterly and completely except at music and art.

>

> never recorded any music really and i hate drawing now.

>

>

> i just buried my apotheosizor myspace page that me and raven and my gf

> dreamed up 13 months ago...we are officially dead now with a blank page...

>

> cant do it alone like reznor....im not gay

>

> wanna make some loud noises again with real living breathing humans and

> experience that HENDRIXIAN healing force arise and engulf me...

>

> been since 2001 that i played with anyone really-miss it so so so much

>

> anyway,who knows whatll happen when my gf finally calls me,past week has

> been horrid

>

> =thats just whats up with me,gatherers

>

> cheers

> d*

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